My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
