yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
