so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize