Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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