my sisters under your porch take her home
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
