Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
