Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
