happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
