I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
