Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
