I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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