he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
