This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
