How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
