Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
