I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
