Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
