So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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