I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
