saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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