Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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