I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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