fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
