Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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