just survived the first fart of the relationship.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i think my cat just said my name.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
