Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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