I just saw a hot homeless man
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
