I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
