Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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