Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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