i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
