he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
