The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm passing your future prison.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
