first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
