The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
