If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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