using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
