Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
