a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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