had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize