can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
