I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My vagina is officially offended.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
