Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
No subtext here. People are naked.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
