You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Pooping to opera.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
