I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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