i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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