I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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