I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize