Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
