I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
