Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Its about making memories worth repressing
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
