You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
