chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Oh god it's open bar.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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