Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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