then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize