i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
