I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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